The Quiet Hustle

Sometimes it is necessary to be the villain.

I don’t mean being needlessly cruel or mean or unkind for no reason.

I mean setting firm boundaries, saying no, being less available, and walking away.

For most of my life I tried to be the “good girl.” Never said no, went out of my way to do something for someone else whether I wanted to or not, most of the time I didn’t. Never said what I was thinking because I didn’t want to hurt feelings.

None of it served me.

I didn’t feel like a good person, I felt like I didn’t matter. And I’m pretty sure most of those deeds weren’t actually appreciated, but they were expected of me.

Also, looking back, I wasn’t being honest. I just didn’t want the drama, the conflict, the guilt of saying no, and dealing with hurt feelings.

Especially as a woman, we are expected to always be nice, smile and not say no. Saying no is being mean or disrespectful.

Today, I call bullshit.

Saying no is probably one of the best ways to protect yourself. It keeps you from being taken advantage of and ending up in undesirable situations.

Also, I think saying no shows you who a person really is. A lot of people don’t like being told that two letter word and react poorly. In my experience, I have dealt with the silent treatment, guilt tripping and the famous, “I’ve done so much for you, and you can’t do this one thing I’ve asked you for, blah blah blah.”

That’s called manipulation and I’m not here for it.

I had just started getting comfortable setting boundaries. And as expected I got push back. In my family, especially since I do come from a controlling environment and as well as enmeshment, saying no is selfish. Or according to a few members it is.

When you become autonomous, when you start making decisions for your own life and you start seeing through the bullshit and drama, you get treated like a villain. I had to learn that I’m always going to be the villain in somebody’s story no matter what I do. There will be push back, people will get angry, offended, some may even try to bully me back into being small and miserable again because that is what they are used to and that’s what they expect of me.

Be compliant.

I think I prefer to be the villain. And with that, I raise my blackberry martini and make a toast to the new version of me.