The Quiet Hustle

I am a person that likes silence. I value my privacy and me time. In my opinion, being solitary is peaceful and reduces stress. I even consider silence and solitude to be my best friends.

When I am home alone, the atmosphere feels, lighter. I feel like I can breathe, stretch out, and relax. There is no one around to laugh at the way I dance. I can watch whatever goofy nonsense I want. I even talk to myself out loud. That’s how I get something off my chest. Especially if it’s something that I feel I can’t share with anyone or explain.

The silence also welcome. Living with family, things can get very loud. My siblings can be loud when they are goofing off. A lot of nonsensical yelling and laughing. There are also arguments. I consider myself to be non-confrontational and being around that aggressive energy can be very draining. The stillness silence offers is not only refreshing but also healing. I would describe it as taking a lot of pressure and weight off of my mind. There is no drama, no chaos. Just the sweet sound of quiet.

But it took a lifetime of feeling like an outcast to get to this point. I’ve been in groups before. And I always felt out of place. Even if I had a lot of things in common with people. I remember going to an anime convention in Baltimore MD. I went with some friends from school. Within that group of friends, and strangers, I always felt more alone. It actually made me want to be alone more. I spent most of that time on my own anyway. There was freedom in it.

Even in high school, despite hanging out with other misfits, I always felt like I was a misfit among them. We had the same taste in music, same clothing aesthetic, etc. Despite that, I don’t think I was ever really one of them either.

And as for dating, invisible! At least that’s what it felt like. Plus, I consider myself way too weird for dating. And I’m not about to change myself to get someone to like me.

So, one day I came to the conclusion that maybe solitude is where I belong. And I’m okay with it. I can be myself 100% and not have to worry about having to compromise to fit someone else’s expectations.

But it was not an easy path; it was a long, very painful road sometimes. I had to deal with not feeling good enough and inadequate.

To me, living a solitary life means being able to validate yourself and not seek it externally. It also means being able to accept yourself, flaws and all. That was another challenge I’ve had to face. Sometimes, I still struggle with it. Especially my appearance. Whenever I looked in the mirror, all I saw where flaws.

Not needing anyone’s approval is freeing. I know that people will judge, people will laugh, people will speculate. It may even intimidate some people. But I’m not going to apologize or stop. I’m happy doing what I’m doing. There is no one else in the whole world I would trade places with.